Revised writing:

Art is everywhere, in writing, painting, singing, and in thousands of other things. Many people go on their fast paced day and let all the art around them pass, without them even acknowledging it. On the other hand so many people around the world cherish art and find it a necessity in order for happiness. Rhy Southan’s essay “Is Art a Waste of Time?” is a good example of how many people take art for granted and don’t see the beauty that it brings to the world. But then Haas and Hahn TED talk “How Painting can Transform Communities” shows just how important art is to communities and how art can bring meaning to anything in life. If people slow down their lives, and just look, they will have an opportunity to see the beauty in all that is around them and be able to appreciate it more, and maybe even find more happiness in the world. The beauty of art can make people happy in several ways by bringing new joy and light into their lives.

Art exists as one of the strongest paths to beauty, and its beauty is what has power to bring happiness into people’s lives. Haas and Hahn are two mural artists who changed thousand of lives through their art and it’s beauty that it brought to the communities. These two men traveled around Vila Cruzeiro, Rio and put huge vibrant murals on walls, sidewalks, and houses. The beautiful art that these two have given, brought great pride to the towns. These towns that were once “known for problems like crime, poverty, and violent drug war” (TED), are now beautiful places that people enjoy going to visit and see the great art work. Different forms of art can be beautiful in their own way as well. In Rhy Southan’s essay “Is Are a Waste of Time?”, Shouthan explains how he creates dark comedies and how he feels that his art touches people and brings them joy. Southan says.  “I think the world would be unlivable without art”, and this shows how much he believes art and its beauty changes people. Art and beauty comes in so many different shapes and forms that some people may not see. There are some people who think art and its beauty are a waste of time and money.

Old writing:

Art is everywhere possible, in writing, paining, singing, and in thousands of other things. Many people go on their fast pace day and let all the art around them pass, without them even egnologing it. On the other hand so many people around the world cherish art and find it a necessity in order for happiness. Rhy Southan’s essay “Is art a waste of time?” a good example of how many people take art for granted and don’t see the beauty that it brings to the world. But then Haas and Hahn TED talk “How painting can Transform Communities” shows just how important art is to communities and how art can bring meaning to anything in life. If people slow down their lives, and just look, they will have an opportunity to see the beauty in all that is around them and be able to appreciate it more, and maybe even find more happiness in the world. Art can make people happy in several ways by bringing new joy and light into their lives.

Haas and Hahn brought new life and meaning to low income communities around the world in very unique ways. Haas and Hahn’s life changing project started out in a small run down community in Vila Cruzeiro, Rio. Vila Cruzeiro is one of many very small towns that is filled with very low income families. The people that live here must build their own houses, resulting in many never being actually finish. These towns have previously been known as a “bad” town that were filled with drugs and crime. This whole perspective changed once Haas and Hahn added a little bit of art into their community. The two men are strong believes that art can make people happy and they wanted help this community in this way. They envisioned amazing murals that could be painted across buildings and walkways. This dream of theirs became reality for them every fast, before they knew it they were starting their first project. The men along with two to three other guys, started off with their first mural with a boy flying a kite. In order to do this they had to plaster the houses first, then paint them. Once the first mural was done the everyone in the community loved it and it showed that it brought meaning to community, people were proud to live someplace that had amazing art. Haas and Hahn realized the huge effect that their art had and they wanted to continue to make these people happy so they decided to start their second project. Their second project was bigger and better and was going to take more time than the first. A local family offered the two men a place to stay while they were working. They realized that through spending their time with the community through cookouts and family dinners, they could get a better feel for their art, they felt that they could give back more “organic” art that everyone could appreciate and have a stronger connection with. These two didn’t stop their art after the second project, their murals had gone viral and everyone wanted an amazing mural like this to be in their community. These smaller projects had made communities so happy Haas and Hahn started similar projects in North Philly, Curacao, Haiti and back to Rio, in hopes of making communities happier, brighter, and more positive areas. By creating these murals, the communities that were once so bad and violent, had something to be proud of and look forward to. The paintings were so beautiful that it brought tourist to the these communities and that leads to money being put back into the community to make it better. This is proof that art can make lives better in so many ways. The mural projects also brought the communities together and helped them realize that their communitie were important and beautiful and more than just another low class community. These murals not only changed the way that theses communities looked at art, but how many in the world look at art. These projects proved that art makes the world a happier place. Even though it is so clear that creating art can help low income communities and bring light into people’s lives, some people believe that art is a waste of time.

What I fixed:

So to start off, I changed my thesis a little bit, to fit to more of what I was talking about. Then I went back through my first paragraph and fixed grammatical errors and reworded and few things. Then second, I totally changed my whole second paragraph. I made it a lot short and this time it wasn’t just a summary. I feel that my new paragraph fits my thesis a lot better and is a lot stronger. This new paragraph has a claim, and I also only used quotes that made my paper stronger. I feel like all these changes have my paper a lot stronger and have brought it way from the “5 paragraph” paper style.